So kind of a lot has happened since the last time I wrote
anything here. I’m not going to get into all of it, because part of the reason I
haven’t written anything in so long was the anxiety I’d feel about the prospect
of re-capping my life since my last post, and that just led to this feedback
loop of not posting anything at all. And for large parts of the last year-ish I
didn’t feel like communicating period, ever, because kind of a lot was happening.
Some of the things that happened: being laid off, along
with the frustration of knowing how many co-workers I loved were also losing
their jobs, and the grief of suddenly losing relationships with 20-ish people I’d
been used to seeing every day. Admitting, after about four months, that “grief”
was in fact the name of the thing I was feeling. Shame, guilt, fatigue, from
spouting my upbeat Elevator Speech-style answer to “So what do you do?” every
single time I met a new person for almost a year, and feeling like my friends
and family were even more tired of the situation than I was. Feeling rejected,
personally and professionally.
But, as I said, that’s not what I wanted this post to be
about.
I guess what I wanted to do was reboot. I want to start
writing here again, but fair warning: I’m not the same person I was when I last
posted. I’m even more different than the person I was when I started this blog
almost seven years ago. That person writing back in 2007 was escaping from the
most serious personal issues I’ve ever experienced. The person writing in March of 2013 was going
through a different set of issues, but was forcing herself (sometimes
painfully) out onto the world to interact with people, and had less interest in
blogging. Sorry that all sounds so cryptic…
it’s just a long story.
I’ve thought a lot about how I’m different now. And I
think I can describe it best with a phrase that I’ve been overusing the hell
out of lately because I just love it so much: Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Supposedly it’s a Polish expression, but that’s according
to the same internet that told me Betty White died yesterday, so what does it
know? What I like about NMCNMM is that it distills all the best advice I’ve
ever gotten about picking your battles, having the wisdom to know the
difference between stuff you can change and stuff you can’t, etc., only in a
less Hallmark-y way that also makes me think of monkeys, and who doesn’t like monkeys?
It’s a fun way to say, just let it go.
I don’t mean “let go” in a gauzy-focused Facebook meme
that’s most likely misquoting Marilyn Monroe way, because the spirit of the
universe is like a flowing river and – I don’t know, I don’t read those things.
I mean reaching the understanding that a) people are individuals, b) some of them
are shitheads, and c) that’s got little to nothing to do with you.
I was a pretty angry person, and not that long ago. I
would’ve thought that the realization that people are flawed and occasionally
selfish and awful would make me MORE angry. But no. It was liberating in a
weird way. Don’t get me wrong, I still get mad, and frustrated, and hurt,
because I’m human. I don’t really know how to explain it. I guess I just
stopped expecting so much from other people, and started cutting them more
slack. They’re just people trying to get through the day, and they’re as full
of it as I am.
Why did this person not invite me to that thing? Why did
that girl write that thing on Facebook and was it about me because she KNOWS
how I feel about the Ice Bucket Challenge? Why does that guy always say we’re
going to hang out and then never call me? Dude, I don’t know. I don’t care.
They aren’t my monkeys.
Maybe this is something that would’ve happened anyway as
I got older. Maybe the mega-ton anxiety bomb I had to deal with over the past
year taught me some perspective on what matters. Maybe I needed to lose my
illusions of control. I don’t know. Either way, I feel better. I have more
energy to spend on the people and projects that matter to me in this moment. I’m
more honest about my feelings. I trust my intuition more. And I’m not
self-conscious about sharing those feelings and intuitions, because the only
person I’m whose emotions I’m responsible for is me.*
So, I’m going to write more. I may not do it very
regularly. I may not write about the same things I used to. I may not have the
same opinions that I used to. But I absolutely still want to hear from other
people, and I appreciate any thoughts you might have.
Thanks for reading. :)
*With the standard caveats about not being a dick. Seriously,
don’t be a dick.
