Is anyone else getting REALLY tired of the “Ha, ha, Tiger got his ass beat”-type remarks we’ve been hearing all week? I feel like I can’t get away from them. Bill Simmons managed to slip three into one column today, including a segment allegedly written by his wife:
"I wish Mrs. Tiger would admit what she did, if she did anything. She won't because Florida has strong domestic violence laws. California does not. If Bill ever follows Tiger's skank-chasing footsteps, I am going to beat him to death with his 2.8-pound book, while also having sex with cabana boys and masseurs. There will be no mystery about what happened.”
Okay… let’s just hop in our time machines a minute and go back a few months to when Chris Brown beat up his then-girlfriend, Rihanna. If Simmons had joked about beating his wife to death, should she have acted like Rihanna (having the temerity to demand that he not cheat on her, apparently) – oh, my hell, I can’t imagine how quickly ESPN would yank him off their Web site and set fire to the server holding his column archive.
But it’s okay to joke about Tiger Woods? For the record, none of us will ever know if Woods’ wife did in fact physically attack him early last Friday morning, and he’s saying she didn’t. But that’s beside the point. Why is this supposed to be funny? Oh, yeah, because men can’t be victims of domestic violence or something. Hardy frakking har.
Men are also apparently un-rapeable, if you ask the dipshit that wrote this in the New York Observer. Let’s put aside for a moment the revelation that there is now officially no single demographic category of women who can’t be described as animals (cheetah, really?). The behavior described in this piece (exaggerated for effect though it may be) isn’t douchey or predatory – it’s rape. Feministe switched up the genders in one exchange… see what you think:
Sharon had allowed the open bar to get the better of her. She knew she was completely wasted. What she didn’t know was that a predator was watching her every move…
Jennifer said, “O.K., I think she needs to go home.”
David, who was 29, said, “Let’s go get another drink!”
“I wanna go home,” Sharon warbled.
“O.K., I’ll take her home,” David said.
Jennifer gave Sharon a “WTF?” look and said, “I’ll take her home.”
“Don’t worry about it,” David said, hailing a cab and then bundling Sharon inside…
A few months later, Sharon found herself watching helplessly late one night as David picked off one of her pals much the same way he had her: The girl was babbling, stumbling drunk…
“He knows what he’s doing,” Sharon told me.
Comedy is about transgression; turn something commonplace on its head, and it’s automatically funny. A male victim of domestic violence or sexual assault is supposed to be humorous because it goes against the far-more-typical case of a female victim. The problem is that there ARE male victims of the type of intimate partner violence we normally associate with women.
Don’t believe me? Ask Fred Lane. The wife who murdered him got out of prison earlier this year. ROTFLMAO.
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