Ms. Manners

Whichever advice columnist my local newspaper syndicates ran a letter today from someone complaining about a couple who are social acquaintances who have a nasty habit of - publicly - pointing out others' grammar mistakes and faulty table manners. Needless to say, anything this couple's doing is far more rude than the behavior they're critiquing. It reminds me of what my mom once told me, possibly channelling Jackie O: truly classy people need not call attention to their class. Put another way: I have a mild obsession with table setting etiquette, but if I went to a dinner party and called attention to the fact that the host didn't put the dessert forks in the right place*, I would be the jerk in that situation, not the host.

Feministing has a great post about a teacher who's trying to force the male students in his class to act like "gentlemen" toward the female students. Now, I know what you're thinking... Isn't anything that teaches young people to be gracious, considerate humans a GOOD thing? Sure, but, as Jessica puts it, "there's a big difference between chivalry and manners."

"Being a nice person that opens doors for others (regardless of their gender) and being respectful is something that we should encourage in all people. That's being kind; it's mannered and it's nice. Chivalry, on the other hand, is straight up based on the idea that women are weaker need to be taken care of. It's insulting. It's also a trade-off - one that we're supposed to be grateful for - for being at the sh*t end of the patriarchy."

This is a tough one for Southerners because we pride ourselves on being nice. But you can be nice, and be gracious, without being sexist. Isn't it just easier to be considerate to everyone in your orbit, rather than try to remember arcane rules that are different for each gender? That said, in my job, I work with a lot of older people who do have very different ideas about gender roles than most people my age. Lecturing them about patriarchy would be the rude thing in those situations.

I don't understand women who get offended when a man holds a door open for them, because I hold doors open for others, too. I don't understand women who get offended when someone offers to buy them dinner. I don't understand restaurants that still have no-prices-listed menues for women. If my 83-year-old grandfather stood up wobbling on his cane until I was ready to be seated ('cause that's what men are *supposed* to do), THAT is would bother me.

I feel like it just boils down to what makes the people around you comfortable (while not comprimising your own comfort zone). Instead of forcing boys to stand up whenever a female classmate stands, wouldn't it ultimately be more productive for a class to teach students how to do that?

*horizontally (pointing right), above the plate, if you're being schmancy.