Just 'cause it's a full moon...

... here are some exhibitionist raccoons. 

You're welcome.

The media's latest victim

Ok, before you read this... let me stipulate that there's a part of me who's a terrible human being. This happened two days ago, and I'm just now writing about it because it's taken me this long to stop laughing. Actually, I'm still laughing. I told you, terrible.

So there's this baby rabbit, and because it's born without ears, it's destined to be the next Awwwwwww media sensation. The little zoo in Germany where it lived planned to unveil cute, furry little Til at a press conference this week. But, before Til could have his moment in the spotlight, a camera man stepped on him, killing him instantly.

Here's the thing - I've planned press conferences. It's one of the few sort-of glamorous parts of my job. Ordinarily, the object (for lack of a better term) of the press conference - the person/people the media are there to see - isn't wandering around in the staging area to be accidentally stepped on.

HOW DO YOU STEP ON A BUNNY??? WHO PUT THE BUNNY ON THE FLOOR??? How do you let said bunny - the critter that's going to put your little zoo on the international media map, after all - just wonder around the press conference area waiting to be stepped on? Have you ever seen a news camera person? They carry lots of heavy, bulky stuff. They have to move around quickly to catch their shots and interviews. They aren't really on the lookout for teacup-sized bunnies. As any PR person knows, those unstructured moments when people are milling around and the cameras may or may not be rolling are the most dangerous. In this case, literally.

It's awful, I know. That poor camera guy, and that poor intern who picked the wrong moment to let the talent go for a smoke break. But....... c'mon. This is funny, right? The "Parks & Rec" writers are kicking themselves right now for letting Li'l Sebastian go so soon.

Don't have anything in your mouth when you read this...

...because this blog is not responsible for spit take-related damage.

Here I am on a Friday night with a brand-new hard drive, catching up on my Internet reading, when I found this. I'm not sure what - I think it must've been the picture of the bike done up as a cow - that reminded me of one of the more bizarre conversations I've ever been a part of.

It was about 10 years ago, when I was a college student who'd naively volunteered to "help" costume a high school production of "Annie Get Your Gun," which, in volunteer language, means I was now the totally inexperienced costume director for a period piece with no budget. So, anyway, I'm in a fabric store in downtown Mt. Airy, N.C. (this is back when small towns actually had locally owned stores on their Main Streets), trying to figure out how little off-white brushed cotton I can get away with per each of 14 dance-able skirts, when this happens:

A young woman about my age approaches the cutting table...

(Aside - if you've never been in a fabric store, basically, you browse through bolts of material and then take your pick up to a giant table where a (usually) elderly woman cuts the length that you need. One yard, two yards, 18 inches, whatever - and the materials are priced by the yard. It's generally considered bad form not to know how much you need before you get to the cutting table. End aside.)

... holding a bolt of neon, zebra-print super-plush fabric. If memory serves, it was purple. Its pile, or depth (I guess), was roughly four inches. This was seriously plushy fur. Also zebra-print. Anyway.

The elderly fabric store owner asked the young woman how much material she needed. She didn't know. Well, what are you making?, the owner asked. Like me, she probably assumed that this was for some Pebbles Flintstone-related costume piece. Oh, no.

"My boyfriend's furring out his crotch rocket," the young woman said. Yes, I realize that this might be the single funniest thing I've ever written, and no, I'm not making it up.

I attempted to translate, since at that point in my life I was aware that "crotch rocket" was a type of motorcycle - something our very elderly and previously dignified fabric store owner was not aware of. "Do you just want to cover the seat?" I asked. "Oh, no," she said. "He wants to fur out the whole thing." I think we suggested that she measure the areas that needed to be fur-covered, and I (regretably) left before they resolved the whole thing.

But about a year later I saw, while getting a milkshake at Sonic on the way home from rehearsal, some sort of motorcycle with all its metal surfaces covered with neon-zebra faux fur. So, one of two things is true. Either my fabric store friend figured out her dilemma, or there are more than one of them in the world.

The moral of the story is, thank goodness for Google.

It's hard out here for a duck

Ingenious.

Is this a joke?

Really, this is like a bad parody. She's from Arizona, even!

Notice how we don't get to see what she actually hit with all those guns...

Vuvuzela revenge!

Actual commentary from inside this dog's head:

"Dude, stop that, it's really annoying."

"Seriously, stop now, I mean it."

(To person with camera) "Will you please tell this guy to shut up? He's not hearing me.."

"Alright, pal, I warned you."

June 14 is now officially Gorilla Liberation Day

So, on Monday, June 14, a gorilla at the N.C. Zoo in Asheboro very nearly escaped its habitat by climbing up a downed tree branch to the top of the glass wall separating him from spectators. No word on whether the gorilla actually placed the tree branch against the wall, or the branch just found itself in the right place at the right time. My favorite part of the linked video is when the parents realize that, Holy Sh*t, that gorilla is swinging from the top of the wall, sh*t's about to get real, and start screaming for their kids to run away.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta on Sunday, a male silverback charged the glass wall of its habitat, breaking it badly enough that the exhibit had to close for repairs. The zoo says that he saw a veterinarian and reacted with e same anxiety that humans feel toward the dentist. The gorilla, Taz, doesn't appear to be one of the descendant's of Zoo Atlanta's famed Willie B., who awesomely glowered at my family on a vist there circa mid-90s.

Total coincidence, I'm sure. Now, I'm not saying that these gorillas had a coordinated plan to escape their respective zoos during the same weekend. Surely they'd require Internet access, or at the very least some ability to text one another.

Which is preposterous. Everyone knows you can't get cell service in Randolph County.

Miss Michigan, Michelle Malkin and the Mayor

I hadn’t really planned to write about the new Miss USA, who’s the first woman of Arab descent to win that pageant title (or any, as far as I know…?), because I don’t really care about who wins a beauty pageant. (She’s also pro-contraception, which I think is awesome.) But apparently some folks are a little freaked out that Miss USA, who was born in Lebanon and now lives in Dearborn, Michigan, is a Muslim.

Because Muslims aren’t American, or something? Rima Fakih’s win is “affirmative action”? Oh, right, because bottle blond faux-tanned girls with implants are what’s normal in this country, dammit. What exactly is the problem? Does someone out there honestly believe the former Miss Michigan managed to cram a dirty bomb down her thong, imperiling the national treasure that is Donald Trump's rug?

Let me throw it to my conservative friend Mayor Jimmy, who had this to say in an e-mail (PROFANITY ALERT; cover your children’s ears):

“Dear Michelle Malkin and other currently foaming at the mouth right wingers.... WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT.

OK so lemme get this straight.... you all complain LOUDLY about how Mexicans refuse to adapt to our ways. they don't speak English or anything. so now here comes a hot Arab chick who speaks English, went to CATHOLIC SCHOOL even and has adapted to western culture to the point of she won a pole dancing contest and now you guys complain?!?!?!?

look, i'll admit she doesn't appear to be the brightest card in the deck and i'll even admit i think miss Oklahoma got torpedoed with the immigration question. none of this is deserving of the whack job shit you guys are spewing forth. just when you guys started making real progress to make yourselves appear to be more than just a bunch of racist jerk offs you go and pull this shit. you do realize this does absolutely NOTHING to help you right? not even FOX NEWS is going to go on and say ‘they might be right, she might be a terrorist plant.’”

Does it seem that non-white, non-Christian, maybe-not-born-here Americans can’t do anything to please the people who’ve appointed themselves the judges of who does and doesn’t have legitimacy in this country? And yes, his honor the mayor is right that, after the WTF-ness of Arizona’s new laws and the election year tradition of some double-negative-spewing candidate proposing we make English the official language, conservatives really could use a break from communicating that they are and always will be suspicious of anyone who doesn’t look like John Roberts.

While we’re on the subject… for the second year in a row, the Miss USA pageant has turned into the center of some cultural/political storm, complete with a runner-up who suspects she lost because she gave a right-wing answer to a question most candidates for public office couldn’t answer gracefully (remember Carrie Prejean?). I can’t decide if this is good or bad for our national conversation.

A funny from Grandma

My grandmother e-mailed this to me today:

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, ''Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

And, yes, I recognize that this is probably only funny if you're a Southern woman.

Your daily funny

Children lack foresight. They act according to their immediate desires without considering the possible consequences. Thus, children require healthy restrictions to protect them from harm. If this protection is removed, children will be in danger of suffering the consequences of indulging their reckless whims.

For example, a child admiring a parent’s ability to drive a car may desire to take on that role. Even though the child lacks the mental and physical capacity to drive, he still insists on doing it. The exciting prospect of participating in an adult activity is just too enticing. Although this short-sighted decision places the child and others in danger, he lacks the capacity to understand this. Thus, he requires an adult to restrict his actions for his own protection.

Women lack foresight for the same reason children lack it; they focus on themselves to a dysfunctional degree. Without male guidance, women neglect to consider the viewpoint of others. As a result, women, in relation to men, lack the capacity to bear heavy responsibilities. Yet, because of Feminism’s reckless encouragement, they happily volunteer to “steer” the lives of others, oblivious to the dangerous situations they create; our
Feminist society lowers academic, professional and civil service standards to accommodate women’s irresponsible desire toaccept duties they were never designed to fulfill. Consequently, our schools, our economy and our lives must all sit in the passenger seat, waiting for the inevitable crash.

Thanks, Manhood101.com. I needed the chuckle.

Up with pirates!

Or, fun with correlation and causation with respect to the number of running plays in a football game, one of FootballOutsiders' favorite whipping boys.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.png
(courtesy of the comments thread)

Tea Party movement fracture?

According to various media reports this week, the Tea Party movement is splitting into different factions based on differing priorities.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Teapocalypse - The Tea Party Split
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

This reminds me of a joke I heard once. A ship traveling the South Pacific notices a distress signal, and discovers a small, uncharted island in the distance. As they approach, they see three huts built on a bluff. Well, the ship reaches the island and finds a lone man who'd wrecked there months earlier. He's thrilled to meet his rescuers, and they're naturally fascinated by how he managed to survive on a desert island for so long.

The crew asks about the three huts on the hill, and the man tells him about building shelter for himself. "I'm a Southern Baptist," he goes on. "And so, once my personal shelter was taken care of, my first priority was building a place where I could worship God."

Wow, that's really cool, the crew said. So, one hut for you to live in, another for a church. What about the third hut?

"Oh," the rescued man says with a disdainful sniff. "That's the church I used to go to."

Love-your-neighbor FAIL

So, I'm doing some research for a screenplay I'm writing, and I found myself Googling Fred Phelps, he of the Westboro Baptist Church (the people who demonstrate at military funerals). Their Web site? GodHatesFags.com. (I thought at first this was a satire site or something, but it appears to be legit.)

I'm no theologian, but I'm thinking that if you call yourself a Christian and your URL contains the word "hate"......... you're doing it wrong.

Incredibly, this is not a parody

This has got to be the least-catchy protest/rally song ever written:



Two things jumped out at me: 1) whoever transcribed the lyrics mis-spelled "Capitol," and 2) the juxtaposition of the utterly contradictory "leave my doctor alone" and "protect the unborn."

Quick hit: Birther Gone Wild

I'm calling it: Orly Taitz is Sacha Baron Cohen's newest character. C'mon, this person cannot possibly be real.

Oh yeah, before I forget... Happy Birthday, President Obama!

UPDATE: I do agree with Taitz on one thing... the MSNBC guy does need to "show some decency and integrity as a journalist," and so does the rest of the mainstream press. If they want to continue reporting on this, hiw abut some actual, you know, reporting? (As opposed to shooting wacky fish in a barrel, I mean.) Here are some questions that an enterprising reporter could look into answering:

- We keep hearing a lot about "long-form" birth certificates. What exactly is this? Is it considered a legal document? I don't have one of these. Did Hawaii even issue them in 1961 when Obama was born? In other words, could he even be expected to have one?

- I've heard that Hawaiian state law doesn't typically allow public release of "long-form" anything. True?

- For that matter, we could use a primer on both U.S. law with respect to citizenship and on how birth certificates are handled. The certificates in particular seem to vary from state to state, as I would expect. How about, instead of Orly Taitz, MSNBC puts on the air a sane person who's willing to say, Hey, Birther Person, I don't care what your mommy has stuck in the family Bible, Hawaii does X. (Or, did X 48 years ago.)

- Repeating for emphasis: can someone other than left-wing bloggers PLEASE remind all the people who apparently slept through 9th grade civics what makes someone a natural-born citizen? Kthanx. (Short version: Obama could've been born in the frakking Kremlin and he'd still be a natural-born citizen because of his mother, provided that he then established residency in the U.S.)

- All of Obama's immediate relatives are dead, but surely there's someone alive who can speak at least in generalities about how Hawaii handled issuing birth certificates and newspaper birth announcements in 1961. It wasn't that long ago.

I don't like this trend that's taken over the news, especially TV news, where "journalists" sit in a studio and let anyone with a mouth push an agenda, rather than going on and discovering actual facts.

Makes you wonder how they wrote it with a straight face...

You know, reporters don't have the most glamorous job. They have to write stories about city council meetings, profiles of people no one cares about and the really swell stories about entire families getting wiped out in house fires. I like to think that when something like this comes across the crime feed, it makes it all worthwhile:

Note to self: If you plan to shoplift, don't write a note planning out your day of theft and carry it with you.

That's what a man arrested last week for shoplifting at a Wal-Mart store appears to have done, according to a Winston-Salem police report.

Wal-Mart employees told police that they found the "to-do" note outside the store, stashed with clothing they had seen the shoplifter wearing. It was filed with arrest papers and lays out these steps in bullet points:
□ Catch the 6:00 bus to Wal-Mart & walk home
□ Cut hair off
□ Take a bath
□ Brush teeth & hair, get clothes on all black, or black design and black shirt & black shoes
□ Grab my bag
□ Go back to Wal-Mart & steal me an outfit.

The note then lists items, including a suit, CDs, a CD player and "crazy ass glasses."

Texts From Last Night

Favorite new time-suck: textsfromlastnight.com. Though I should not read it at work, because I"m in a cubicle and I laugh really loud.

This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life

Little kid coming off of a baaaaad trip to the dentists' office.

Aw, it reminds me of college.