Not my circus, not my monkeys

So kind of a lot has happened since the last time I wrote anything here. I’m not going to get into all of it, because part of the reason I haven’t written anything in so long was the anxiety I’d feel about the prospect of re-capping my life since my last post, and that just led to this feedback loop of not posting anything at all. And for large parts of the last year-ish I didn’t feel like communicating period, ever, because kind of a lot was happening.

Some of the things that happened: being laid off, along with the frustration of knowing how many co-workers I loved were also losing their jobs, and the grief of suddenly losing relationships with 20-ish people I’d been used to seeing every day. Admitting, after about four months, that “grief” was in fact the name of the thing I was feeling. Shame, guilt, fatigue, from spouting my upbeat Elevator Speech-style answer to “So what do you do?” every single time I met a new person for almost a year, and feeling like my friends and family were even more tired of the situation than I was. Feeling rejected, personally and professionally.

But, as I said, that’s not what I wanted this post to be about.

I guess what I wanted to do was reboot. I want to start writing here again, but fair warning: I’m not the same person I was when I last posted. I’m even more different than the person I was when I started this blog almost seven years ago. That person writing back in 2007 was escaping from the most serious personal issues I’ve ever experienced.  The person writing in March of 2013 was going through a different set of issues, but was forcing herself (sometimes painfully) out onto the world to interact with people, and had less interest in blogging. Sorry that all sounds so cryptic…  it’s just a long story.

I’ve thought a lot about how I’m different now. And I think I can describe it best with a phrase that I’ve been overusing the hell out of lately because I just love it so much: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Supposedly it’s a Polish expression, but that’s according to the same internet that told me Betty White died yesterday, so what does it know? What I like about NMCNMM is that it distills all the best advice I’ve ever gotten about picking your battles, having the wisdom to know the difference between stuff you can change and stuff you can’t, etc., only in a less Hallmark-y way that also makes me think of monkeys, and who doesn’t like monkeys? It’s a fun way to say, just let it go.

I don’t mean “let go” in a gauzy-focused Facebook meme that’s most likely misquoting Marilyn Monroe way, because the spirit of the universe is like a flowing river and – I don’t know, I don’t read those things. I mean reaching the understanding that a) people are individuals, b) some of them are shitheads, and c) that’s got little to nothing to do with you.

I was a pretty angry person, and not that long ago. I would’ve thought that the realization that people are flawed and occasionally selfish and awful would make me MORE angry. But no. It was liberating in a weird way. Don’t get me wrong, I still get mad, and frustrated, and hurt, because I’m human. I don’t really know how to explain it. I guess I just stopped expecting so much from other people, and started cutting them more slack. They’re just people trying to get through the day, and they’re as full of it as I am.

Why did this person not invite me to that thing? Why did that girl write that thing on Facebook and was it about me because she KNOWS how I feel about the Ice Bucket Challenge? Why does that guy always say we’re going to hang out and then never call me? Dude, I don’t know. I don’t care. They aren’t my monkeys.

Maybe this is something that would’ve happened anyway as I got older. Maybe the mega-ton anxiety bomb I had to deal with over the past year taught me some perspective on what matters. Maybe I needed to lose my illusions of control. I don’t know. Either way, I feel better. I have more energy to spend on the people and projects that matter to me in this moment. I’m more honest about my feelings. I trust my intuition more. And I’m not self-conscious about sharing those feelings and intuitions, because the only person I’m whose emotions I’m responsible for is me.*

So, I’m going to write more. I may not do it very regularly. I may not write about the same things I used to. I may not have the same opinions that I used to. But I absolutely still want to hear from other people, and I appreciate any thoughts you might have.

Thanks for reading. :)

*With the standard caveats about not being a dick. Seriously, don’t be a dick.

Five minutes writing about green

Backstory: at my last Jaycees meeting, we spent some time prepping for an upcoming essay competition against Jaycees all over the state (and then the country, and then… world, I guess?). Anyway, to whet our appetite and encourage us to enter, our president gave us a prompt that we’ve have about five minutes to write about. Our topic: what is your favorite color, and why?

I get “you think too much” from a lot of people in my life, and they’re right. But one consequence of spending way too much time thinking through pretty much everything in my life is that, when someone asks me what I think about X, I can usually tell them. At length. With sources.

I could get on my soapbox about the disparity of reaction when people see, say, a 13-year-old softball phenom who pitches 200 balls a day (“Wow, she’s so dedicated!) vs. an adult who reads a lot (“Nerd.”). But that’s for another time.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote. Paper, pen, five minutes, what’s your favorite color and why? Go:

The Chilean poet Pablo Neruda once wrote [You can groan, it’s okay. I groaned a little myself. I had five minutes, what do you want?] that green was the “color of hope.” I wish I could say that I picked green as my favorite color because of this quote… but the truth is that a few years ago I decided that it just looked good on me. Maybe it’s my eyes, I don’t know.

I love green in all its many shades. Forest, emerald, Kelly (which are TOTALLY not the same, by the way), lime, celery. Green can be sophisticated or funky, refined or “street.” My 14-year-old nephew would remind me that green is also the color worn by our favorite driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr., which makes it even more awesome.

But it’s more than aesthetic. Which brings me back to Pablo Neruda. He wrote in green ink because, as I said, it was the “color of hope.” I think looking at green just made him happy. I had a dream once where I got married wearing green shoes. In my dream, they were pretty – but mostly, looking at them just made me happy.

…

So, if I could find a job where I got paid to write about random things for five minutes at a time, I’d be a bazillionaire.

Baby steps and a phone call

President Obama made his first visit to Israel this week, and the timing couldn’t have been more important. (Yes, I think it’s weird that Obama didn’t visit one of the U.S.’s most important allies in the region during his first term.) His remarks about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict got the most attention, but a short meeting and phone call right before the president left might turn out to be more impactful in the long run.

In 2010, a group of Turkish boats carrying supplies to Gaza tried to break Israel’s blockade, and the Israeli military raided it; eight Turkish civilians were killed. Ever since, Israel’s government has refused to apologize. The two countries called back their envoys in 2011, which is basically the diplomatic equivalent of yelling “I AM NOW GIVING YOU THE SILENT TREATMENT.”

This was awful for the U.S. because our other most important ally in the Middle East is Turkey. It’s a large, strategically located country with a secular government that, until recently, had gotten along with Israel. Their current administrations weren’t aligned philosophically even before the 2010 raid. It would be a tense situation regardless, but when you factor in the fact that our other other most important ally in the Middle East, Jordan, is dealing with a Syrian civil war on its doorstep, you can understand why the U.S. position has been that we REALLY need you guys to work out your stuff and get along.

I’m not sure what Jedi mind meld Obama worked on BenjaminNetanyahu, but the Israeli prime minister called Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan and apologized for the raid, offered compensation for the victims and agreed to restore diplomatic relations. They’re not holding hands and signing kumbaya, but at least they’re talking, and that’s more than they were doing last week.

Right now the conflict in Syria is a mess, with refugees spilling into Jordan. Iran is, well, still Iran. Who knows what’s going on in Egypt. It’s an enormous development for the region that two of its most stable democracies are now back on speaking terms. Both Netanyahu and Erdogan are going to get a lot of criticism from their own citizens – especially Netanyahu, who’ll probably be accused of “caving.” (Well, that didn’t take long.)

It’s also important for the U.S. During the last election there was a lot of speculation about America’s “standing” in the world, which I guess means how much other countries respect us. President Obama asked Netanyahu to apologize to Turkey. It would’ve been very easy for Netanyahu to wait until the president had left before making that phone call, just to prove a point (like Iran releasing the hostages the day of President Reagan’s inauguration, just as a “screw you” to Jimmy Carter). But he didn’t. In fact, Erdogan asked to speak to Obama before Netanyahu got on the phone. Yes, diplomacy is 90 percent symbolism, but I think it matters that this unfolded the way it did. For instance, Erdogan called Palestinian officials to give them a heads-up about the apology – before Netanyahu called. It seems to have been very scheduled… which means that it all could’ve been scheduled differently.

Both sides wanted the president there. Both sides wanted America at the table. And that still means something.

Lipstick on a pig

CPAC was this weekend – don’t feel bad, Chris Christie, I wasn’t invited either. CPAC is the annual convention/pep rally held by conservatives, and it gets a lot of attention from the media because it’s an early opportunity to identify the rising stars in the Republican Party. And there’s not much a media talking head loves more than being able to say “I TOTALLY called the Rand Paul ascendency back in 2009 when you all were still on Bobby Jindal.”

CPAC is fascinating because it’s so focused on the die-hard party faithful. By contrast, the Republican and Democratic presidential nominating conventions – while still pep rallies – have to function as an introduction of candidates and policy ideas to voters who aren’t hyper-partisan. They have to smooth the extremes.

Not CPAC. NOTHING gets moderated here. It’s just pure unadulterated conservative id for three days, and on camera. It’s like Almost Famous for people who’ve never seen marijuana in person. Sarah Palin mean-girling the mayor of New York City? A panel on why we’re not racists turning into a discussion about how slaverywasn’t really that bad? Mitt Romney? It’s all happening!

But for me the most interesting development of the weekend was the unveiling of RNC Chair Reince Priebus’s plan to rebrand the GOP and focus on outreach to minorities. Since this is part of what I do for a living, and since marketing is one of those things everyone thinks they know how to do, I have a great deal of experience with people who throw around words like “brand” without totally understanding them. So I’m always a little skeptical… But I actually agree with Priebus that the GOP needs to do a much better job of presenting itself. And it seems that they’re going about it the way one should. They’re not just coming up with a new logo and calling it a day. (For the last time – branding =/= logo.)

For the moment, I don’t buy the narrative that the GOP is foundering. Here in North Carolina we just elected exactly the second Republican governor in my lifetime, and Republicans won the General Assembly in 2010 for the first time in a century. While Romney lost, and a few Senate races didn’t go the GOP’s way, they still control the House and a majority of governerships. They still got to oversee the last round of redistricting. But Priebus is looking at what his party will face 20 years from now, which is a good thing.

In a nutshell… Marketing is essentially about differentiation. Why do I buy this widget and not that widget? A lot of factors go into making that decision, and their weight varies depending on the product you’re talking about. For instance, if you’re buying window cleaner, price might be the most important thing you consider – the cheaper the better. But when you’re buying a car seat for your newborn, you’re probably going to focus less on price and more on the safety rating.

“Brand” is more about how buying this widget makes you feel. I tend to use the term “positioning” because it’s a word people can actually understand (unlike “brand,” the meaning of which no two marketing people can agree on). What’s your widget’s position in the market of all similar widgets? Is it the Best Widget (According to Consumer Reports)? The Yuppie Widget? The Quirky Widget? The Who Cares, it was the Cheapest Widget? And the best way to find out how people feel about your product – and therefore why they decide to buy or not buy it – is to ask them.

So I was pleased to see that the RNC had conducted focus groups. I’ve done focus groups, and it can be pretty humbling to hear what people truly think of you – sometimes negative, sometimes even based on inaccurate information. But you need to hear it. Today Priebus said that it was “painful” to learn from focus groups that they thought of the GOP as being the party of “stuffy old guys.” I’m sure that it was, and I’m sure that he was at least a little tempted to run into the focus group session screaming “MARCO RUBIO! NIKKI HALEY! PAUL RYAN IS ONLY 42!!!” (Oh wait! He did – only on national television.)

But here’s where Priebus and I disagree… or at least where I’m hoping he was merely spinning his heart out this morning. Romney didn’t lose last November because he didn’t communicate well enough. Women didn’t turn practically wholesale against Republicans because of Todd Akin’s one little bad interview. Latino voters didn’t stand in line to vote against Romney because they didn’t “get” the GOP policies on immigration – it’s because they DID.

Here’s the thing about brand. It may be nebulous or hard to articulate or intensely individual, but it also needs to be accurate. In other words, marketing that emphasizes brand needs to match the experience of actually using that product. There’s a reason no one markets full-sized pickup trucks to Brooklyn hipsters. There’s a reason you’ll never hear a Taylor Swift song in an Apple ad.

Remember the “Mad Men” episode where a dog food company’s sales plummeted when it came out that they used horse meat in their recipe? The solution was to change the name of the company to wipe away all the bad publicity and start fresh. Well, yeah… but also stop putting horse meat in your dog food.

If the RNC wants to appeal to minority voters and younger voters of any race, communication isn’t the problem. Substance is the problem. As long as Priebus represents a party that is hostile to people who aren’t white and/or have vaginas, and doesn’t acknowledge basic truths about economics, foreign policy, history and how science works, all the outreach in the world means nothing. Successful rebranding is about informing the public that you’ve changed – which means you actually need to change. And no, slapping a trendier shade of lipstick on your pig doesn’t count.

Reince – I know as a Democrat that I should be rooting for y’all to keep doing exactly what you’re doing. But as an American I can’t do that. This country needs functioning parties to refine policy ideas, because it’s only through competition of philosophies that we’ll develop something that actually works. We need gun-owning farmers and loft-dwelling freelance graphic designers, Pentacostal ministers and atheists, oligarchs and welfare moms to talk to each other and find what works for all of us, even if none of us get our way 100 percent. That’s how our system is supposed to function, and it only can do so if both sides are bringing serious ideas to the table.

So, Reince – don’t take from this process of self-examination that what you really need to do is spend more money manipulating voters more effectively. Maybe shift a little – not the message, but the substance. Stop putting horse meat in your dog food and see what happens.

Two things

Today, the NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre gave a speech in which he framed gun ownership rights as a women's issue, saying that women deserved the right to protect themselves from sexual assault with guns.

Well, yeah. But where LaPierre went way off base was appearing to suggest that a "good woman with a gun" would prevent rape from happening in many cases. I'm using vague terms because I don't want to put words in his mouth. But it's clear from looking at what he said that LaPierre wanted to use rhetoric to imply that "woman with gun" equals "no rape ever."

And that's bullshit. For starters, the majority of rapes and sexual assaults happen between a victim and perpetrator who already know each other. They happen between intimate partners. They happen when adults molest children in their own families. Anyone who wants to talk about rape prevention needs to start from a point of understanding that rape is always a scary-looking man jumping out from a shadow is a myth.

And then there's this. Also this week, the Senate Armed Services Subcommittee on Personnel finally spent some time on the very real issue of sexual assault in the military. According to the Pentagon, there are 19,000 sexual assaults per year in the U.S. military. 19,000. Almost all of which go unreported and unprosecuted.

These are women (and men) with extensive professional training in how to defend themselves with and without firearms. And they're still raped and sexually assaulted. What does the NRA have to say about that? Actually, never mind - I'm not sure I want to know.

Let Brasstown be Brasstown

When you live in a small, rural community, your bright points are few and far between, and you usually have to invent them. It’s a cliché that happens to be true that life is simpler in places like the area where I grew up, which tend not to have movie theatres, giant concert venues or live performances… but that also tend not to have high crime or other things that come along with life in large cities.

It’s easy for an outsider to make fun of some of the ways that people in small towns find to entertain themselves. Like, say, recreational lowering of wild animals. Or cow bingo. (Which is AWESOME.) But I have a lot of treasured memories of wonderful times with the people I grew up around – spaghetti suppers, draw-down fundraisers, street festivals that draw entire thousands of people. And if someone who lives with easy access to an art-house theatre wants to roll their eyes at that, then that’s their issue.

So, about 20 years ago the owner of a convenience store in Brasstown, N.C., got the idea of hosting a New Year’s Eve celebration whose highlight is lowering a live possum in a cage. It’s turned into an evening-long family-friendly event complete with gospel choirs and a womanless beauty pageant, and it’s put Brasstown on the map to the point where even CBS News has come out to cover it.

But then the Brasstown drop got the attention of PETA, which last year took a break from its regular schedule of exploiting young naked women and desecrating graves to file a lawsuit against the drop organizers. PETA’s legal issue was that the drop didn’t have a permit to temporarily hold a wild animal. Brasstown played it safe this New Year’s a dropped a box painted with a picture of a possum, but that wasn’t the end of it.

This week, our General Assembly passed a law giving the N.C. Department of Environment and Natural Resources the authority to issue the appropriate permit, over PETA’s continued protest. Now, I have plenty of problems with our current state government and their inability to focus on “jobs, jobs, jobs” as they promised when elected, but I’m with them on this one. Sure, there are more pressing issues. But this was a simple fix to a problem that wasn’t even a problem until an out-of-state organization with a history of TV camera chasing decided to make it a problem. (As long as we’re on the “more pressing issues” train… the biggest animal cruelty issue in America is a little town kidnapping a possum once a year? Really?)

Is the possum drop cruel? The animals used each year aren’t physically harmed. I can see, though, how the experience would be terrifying. One minute you’re a possum going about your business trying to dodge cars or whatever possums do, and the next you’re trapped in a plexiglass box suspended over hundreds of screaming humans. The noise, the lights – watch that CBS story and see how that possum is huddled in the corner of its cage. It doesn’t look like it’s basking in the attention, that’s for sure. It’s probably no more traumatic than deliberately scaring your puppy for YouTube hilarity, but still. And, yeah, I know, it’s a frackin’ possum and 20 of them just got run over in the time it took me to type this sentence… but still.

So, personally, I hope the people in Brasstown keep lowering the heck out of their possums. But I’d also advise them to avoid bad PR by making more of an effort not to traumatize the New Year’s possum. Is it possible to acquire a possum or three, raised from birth and tended year-round, like Punxatawney Phil, so that the New Year’s Eve event wouldn’t be such a shock to its system? I smell a new local celebrity.

Don’t stop, Brasstown. I know I’ve never been to your town… but I’ve been there. I may be projecting when I say this, but whatev. You’re a great community of people who care about one another and about your home, and it’s the small places like yours all over this country that make us what we are. Don’t stop.

And PETA needs to just go away. When was the last time they accomplished anything but getting themselves in the paper?

Update

I'm a terrible slacker, I know... But I did finally update my other blog! Now that the NASCAR season is starting, I'll have content there more regularly. I'll still post here too when inspiration strikes. I'm doing some interesting volunteer work later this week that damned well better make for a fun post. More on that later.

Let me know what you think:

Not liking Danica Patrick doesn't make me a bad feminist.