Isn't Phyllis Schafly dead yet?

Somehow, in the 47 billion colleges I attended and the two where I've been employed, I've been lucky enough to have dodged the twin teats of attention-whoredom on which much of higher education can't help but suck: celebrity commencement speakers and honorary degrees. But after watching this yearly rite of spring - students, faculty, alumni, etc., blowing a gasket over some controversial interloper's seat on the platform party - I can't help but wonder if some colleges and universities go out of their way to court publicity, by any means necessary.

Let's start with commencement speakers. It used to be that a college would invite a reputable academic, prestigious government figure or - rarely - a writer or other entertainer who had demonstrated a scholarly bent. Presumably these figures were better able to impart the wisdom they'd picked up along their reputable, pretigious and scholarly paths. Better yet, this gravitas was sure to rub off on the university, improving the reputation, prestige - oh, you know, blah blah blah - of the school itself. Same with honorary degrees, except that one involves the school shelling out money, while the other involves at least the promise that the school will get some money. (Quid pro quo, Clarice.)

But the brouhaha over Washington University's decision to grant longtime anti-pretty-much-everything whack-job Phyllis Schafly (over 3,000 in the Facebook group opposed to this - including yours truly) indicates, at least to me, that this whole celebrity commencement pissing match is getting WAY out of hand.

(Pause for a rant - I'm not the first to note the irony of granting an honorary Ph.D. to someone who got her master's from a women's college and then a friggin' law degree, then another master's from Harvard, and who has then devoted her career to telling women that feminists are evil because we want them to be able to go to college, law school, etc... Oh, and that higher education is stupid. BTW, she also thinks it's impossible for a husband to rape his wife. And you thought "whack-job" was just me being hyperbolicious, didn't you?)

For what it's worth, it seems that some - sorry! - prestigious, reputable colleges in the U.S. don't play the honorary-degrees-for-attention game, at least not this year. For instance, you're not likely to read about any of Columbia University's 2008 honorees in People magazine. (But then again, last year Princeton gave one to Muhammed Ali. So there you go.) St. Mary's College of Maryland, on the other hand, gave honorary degrees to former Maryland governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend (makes a little sense) and Mohammed Yunus, the Nobel Prize-winning founder of Bangladesh's Grameen Bank (I love Third World micro-lending, too, but...huh?)

This Web site has a supposedly comprehensive (and strangely addictive) list of celebrities who've received honorary degrees. It looks like the folks at Berklee College of Music might need some sort of 12-step intervention...

Meanwhile, back at the keynote speaker ranch...Inside Higher Ed reports that the furor over Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's commencement address at the University of Georgia has less to do with his conservatism and more to do with bad timing: it seems UGA has been accused of mis-handling few high profile sexual harassment cases lately. Oops.

What is this speaker/degree brinksmanship getting colleges and universities, besides steadily larger chunks of money devoted to events that few people can even attend, as opposed to, say, faculty salaries? From where I sit, it seems that so much of this is driven not by a sincere desire to draw parallels between the college and Phyllis Schafly or Clarence Thomas (*shudder*). No, this is happening because some alum knows somebody who knows somebody, etc., who plays golf or whatever with Thomas. It's because Schafly's going to kick the bucket any day now (*fingers crossed*) and Washington U. wants her planned gift. At a much more cynical level, it's about people within the college community who think the best way to promote their alma mater is to get it on the 6 o'clock news, any way, any how.

News flash - the prospective students on whom your alma mater's survival ultimately depends don't watch the 6 o'clock news. They're busy texting each other asking who Phyllis Schafly is. Just because reading a front page story in your podunk local daily about the big name who lighted on your campus long enough to wear a funny robe and impart words of wisdom doesn't mean said article is going to translate into a single admission.

I have a much better idea. You know that pile of money you're spending on a big name commencement speaker in order to "raise the profile" of the university? Try giving it to the communications and marketing budget next year instead. kthnx bai.