On forgiveness

This is on my mind because I just finished watching Terry Bradshaw interview Ben Roethlisberger. As probably everyone in the country is aware, Roethlisberger was suspended for four games at the beginning of the season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy, i.e., buying shots for an under-aged college student who accused him of raping her.

And as many of the people who know me are aware, I was raped in October 2007. Like Roethlisberger, the guy in my situation (hereafter referred to as Asshat – sorry for the profanity, but that’s what I have to call him) was an athlete out with his buddies, and was drunk. As in the majority of sexual assaults, we knew each other. That’s one reason I relate pretty strongly to the whole Ben thing. I’m not saying he’s definitely guilty of the legal crime of rape. He wasn’t convicted (also a fact in the vast majority of rape/sexual assault cases), and because the cops involved, in my opinion, didn’t do their jobs, we’ll never know what happened in that bathroom.

As you can tell, I still have a lot of anger toward the police and DA’s in my case, who gave me the strong impression that their tee time was more important than my justice. And so I realize that I’m projecting the emotions I still have over my case onto Roethlisberger’s. I get that. But I also think that, because of what happened to me, I have a very different take on this than, say, Terry Bradshaw.

For instance … You know who I’m not angry with anymore? Asshat. Forgave him a long time ago. Do you know why? Because he apologized. About a year and a half later, we ran into one another. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life was to go up to him and tell him that I hadn’t forgotten. I had been terrified that he would come after me or would trash me professionally. Or worse, deep down, thinking that it just wasn’t a big deal to him. That he’d blown it off and was still going out every weekend, getting hammered and doing this to other women. It literally kept me up at night.

What I saw when I spoke to him told me that he was more afraid of me – of what I would do or say – than I was of him. And when I said that I hadn’t forgotten, he said, I know and I’m sorry. And when I said that all I wanted from him was to never hurt anyone again the way he’d hurt me, he said, I know, I won’t. I may be deluding myself just so I’ll feel better, but I believe him.

In that interview, Roethlisberger said that he knows he won’t win back all of his fans right away. To win back this fan, Roethlisberger needs to do one thing. Apologize. Instead of dancing around the issue or acting like he’s the victim here, he needs to take responsibility. He needs to say:

“I screwed up. What I did may not rise to the legal definition of rape, but I understand that I hurt this woman and violated her trust, and that her life will never be the same because of what I did. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone like that again, and so I’m changing the behavior and attitudes that put me in that situation. I am sorry.”

It will matter, I promise. It will matter to the fans who want to feel good about liking this one quarterback. And more importantly, it will matter to a young woman in Georgia who’s probably not enjoying Super Bowl Sunday right now.

And if the Steelers win tonight, the sporting media need to not beat us over the head talking about all the bad ol’ adversity Big Ben had to overcome this year. Spare me. You don’t even fracking know.