What you missed on the last two seasons of “Jersey Shore”

Ron and Sammi broke up between Seasons One and Two, so their reunion in Miami was awkward. “Single Ronnie” went out clubbing every night, usually hooking up with one or more girls, then went home to drunkenly curl up with Sam (which she let him do). This really happened. Jenni and Snooki were concerned that Sammi would get syphilis, so they wrote her an anonymous note telling her that Ron was sleeping with half of Miami before coming home to sleep with her. Who’d Sammi get mad at? Why, Jenni and Snooki, of course. Ron and the three other guys in the house agreed that this was low. The note. Not Ron being a whore.

Back in Seaside, Ron and Sam (still a couple!) proceeded to have the same fight roughly 67 times: something stupid pisses one of them off, Ron calls Sam names, she asks if they’re breaking up, really really truly this time, she talking-heads that she loves Ron and he’s her best friend, and somehow they both decide that they want to make it work. During one of these mini-breakups, Sam commits the cardinal sin of dancing with another guy while Ron can see her. This is SO much worse than Ron sleeping with all those random Miami girls and then coming home to sleep with Sam. Somehow.

Ron throws all of Sam’s belongings out the window and even breaks her glasses. (By the way, destroying personal belongings is a major domestic violence red flag. It’s not too big a leap from destroying something a person values and hurting that person.) Sam leaves the house and goes home to her family for about two days, during which time Ron does pretty much nothing but cry and send Sammi flowers. Sammi comes back, and for some reason she and Ron think about getting back together. But no! Situation, the keeper of morality, discovers that Sammi texted a male friend wanting to hang out, and further digs up that Sammi and this friend kissed two years ago. The house’s men agree that Sammi is a lying sneak and Ron a cuckold, and that Sam is “trash.” For texting a guy while she was single, and for kissing said guy before she even met Ron.

Victoria Jackson? This is the show you should be worried about.