Trash can poop!

Hey, y’all, an unmarried woman with no kids is about to blog about child care. Gather ‘round.

I’m actually just going to put this out there because I think it’s fascinating. I’m a firm believer that parents should be able to raise their own kids in whatever way works for their family and it’s really no one else’s business as long as they’re not beating their kids or churning out three-foot-tall sociopaths. While something like “elimination communication” sounds like something I would never, EVER want to do, if holding your infant over a trash can to poop is important to you – hey, it’s a free country. (I won't judge you. I will think about Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in "Away We Go," but I won't judge you.)

But on one of these parenting philosophies, I am going to have to call BS. Consensual living “is a philosophy in which parents regard children as equals who have a say in the family's consensus-based decision-making. The intent is to resolve conflicts (insolence, poor grades, messy bedroom, etc.) not through coercion or punishments, but through mutually agreed upon solutions, where the needs of each person are considered and addressed.”

I could see that working with older children, and even being a great way of teaching life skills to kids that are in their teens and will soon be on their own. My own parents were great about treating my sisters and I like autonomous human beings and respecting our privacy by, say, not going in our bedrooms if we weren’t there. The clear message was that we would be trusted as long as we were trustworthy. But there were still boundaries. I never had – and still don’t have – a TV in my bedroom, for example. And I knew how to do laundry when I went to college.

But are there actually parents out there who involve their children as equals in the family – at any age? I’m not talking about stuff like letting your four-year-old pick from two outfits that you’ve pre-chosen so she can feel like she’s helping. Is someone out there actually letting their toddler or adolescent “decide” whether to do clean her room or do her homework? I’m not trying to judge, but, in the words of a person who left a comment on the post I linked to: “My kid isn’t allowed to make household decisions because he doesn’t have a sound enough mind to make rational decisions. Last night he cried so hard he nearly threw up because his hands were too pruny from the bathtub and he couldn’t wipe it off.” I’m supposed to let THAT kid decide what we have for dinner?

On the other hand, it’s awesome that people are thinking through how they parent and what impact their parenting will have on their kids. There’s no one type of kid, and so there shouldn’t be any one-size-fits-all style of parenting. Ultimately, kids need people around them who give them a secure, consistent and loving environment, whatever that environment looks like – and their parents need a society that gives them the room they need to do their thing.