Walking While Female

Something happened to my family and I this weekend… I started to write about it earlier in the week, but since my original draft exceeded my personal profanity quota, I decided that I should let it marinate awhile.

So, Sunday, I went to the Panthers-Eagles home opener with my parents, youngest sister and some friends. If you watched it, you know that the game wasn’t much to talk about. (Is the Panthers offense that bad, or Philly’s defense that good? We’ve got the next 15 games to figure that out.) Anyway, I got pretty overheated around halftime and ended up in the stadium care center with a nurse force-feeding me ice water, watching the second half on TV and hoping that I was hallucinating all those turnovers.

We figured that I could make it back to the car if I walked slowly enough (it was all downhill). Mom insisted that I get a Coke because the sugar and caffeine might help me feel better. So there we are – me doing this zombie shuffle, Mom holding me up, and the rest of the group getting further and further out ahead of us.

We were about halfway back to the car when I heard a guy behind us teasing someone about his Jake Delhomme jersey – not unusual, given the terrible game Jake had. But it turned out that his target was a little kid with his dad. The boy couldn’t have been more than seven or eight years old, as we saw when his dad hustled him past us.

This meant that the Classy Guys™ were now directly behind Mom and I. As we made our way down the sidewalk, we could hear them making comments about us – not under their breath, but right out loud where we couldn’t NOT hear them. And the comments were definitely directed at us, referring to the jersey Mom was wearing and to my outfit. I didn’t know this at the time, but one of the Classy Guys™ was actually stepping on Mom’s heels as she walked. She told me later that she felt physically threatened.

I’ve discovered recently that I have less and less patience with abusive bullies and their BS. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older; maybe it’s just that I’m tired of myself and other women, children and men perceived as physically weak get knocked around by a-holes who think they’re entitled to be a-holes. They don’t deserve to be ignored, and they don’t deserve a disapproving glare. They deserve to be confronted and knocked down to size.

So I stopped, turned around, and poured what was left of my Coke on the nearest Classy Guy. I was going for his head, but since he was taller than me and still walking, I really only got his shoulder and back. And, like any bully will do when confronted, he froze in place. (I was lucky enough to be able to confront him in broad daylight surrounded by dozens of other people. I would never recommend confronting a jerk if you don’t feel safe doing so.)

We slowed down to let him and his buddy get past us. We reported them to two Charlotte police who were directing traffic, who kind of blew us off. And then, right before we got to our parking lot, there they were, leaning against a street sign and giving me the stank eye.

I was pissed, I admit it. I was so far beyond letting this roll off my back that it wasn’t even funny. So I held up my Coke can and asked Douche #1 (the one with the giant brown stain on his shirt) if he wanted some more. At which point Douche #2 shouted – to my back as I walked away – “If you were a man, I’d kick your ass!”

Ah, the great comeback. This always makes me chuckle. It’s what dickhead men say to women when they want to put us in our place with a show of their restraint. To which I say: Dude, don’t do me any favors. And what, is that some sort of chivalry thing? “Well, I would beat the hell out of you, but since you’re a tiny female and therefore beneath me, I will withdraw from the field of battle, thus proving my masculine honor.” Okay, first of all, I had a couple of inches and at least 30 pounds on this guy. Second, it seems to me that the truly honorable person wouldn’t threaten perfect strangers in the street to begin with. But maybe that’s just me.

What asshats. And while I definitely felt good about confronting them, it doesn’t change the fact that jerks like this do the same thing – and worse – to people they see as weaker every day, and most of the time they get away with it.

So, my two take-aways from this situation: 1) It’s infinitely easier to defend yourself from abuse if you’ve already worked through the concept that, while there will always be bullying mf-ers like this in the world, you DO NOT deserve what they dish out; and 2) the next one of said bullying mf-ers that crosses my path had better hope I’m only armed with a soft drink.