I found myself needing a few things – sunscreen, those puffy shoe inserts, a pair of shorts – and didn’t get around to doing anything about it until about 9 p.m. tonight. At that time of night and with that shopping list, there’s only one place you can go: Wal-Mart. The store was surprisingly un-crowded, and I quickly found everything I needed. On the way from Health & Beauty to the check-out, I made what turned out to be the fateful decision to stop at a bin of $5 DVDs. I normally pass those up because they tend to be full of movies you wouldn’t want even for free, but here was “The Shawshank Redemption” perched right on top. I spent a few minutes digging around the rest of the pile (passing up a boxed set of “Pumpkinhead,” “Leprechaun” and both “Jeepers Creepers” and “Jeepers Creepers 2”) and then went on to the checkout.
Even though the store wasn’t crowded, the fact that only a few registers were open meant the lines were long anyway. I got in one of the 20-items-or-less lines, because they always move fast, right? Counting the person being checked out at that moment, there were three people in front of me.
I had reading material, so it took me awhile to notice that things were taking an inordinate amount of time. The lady immediately in front of me ticked me off because she kept leaving her cart to walk off and look at those racks of cheap stuff they always put by the registers to try and get you to buy on impulse, so every time the line would advance slightly, I’d have to wait for her to notice and then begrudgingly tear herself away from the animal print-birthday candles or whatever. I thought about rear-ending her cart, but I didn’t want to get aggressive. We were going to be in line awhile.
Then it was ADD Lady’s turn at the register. Now, whenever there’s a slow line, I always hesitate to blame the cashier. You can’t force shoppers to have their money ready or remember that they have 47 coupons *before* they start checking out. And it can’t be pleasant to have to look up every other item because the tags are missing. (People who apparently get their kicks going through Wal-Mart and randomly taking off tags – please stop.) But this cashier was kind of, shall we say, deliberate in her movements, and as I would learn, easily distracted. So when she and ADD Lady joined forces, it was a perfect storm of aggravation.
I believe it was at this point that I glanced behind me and noticed that the rest of the line now stretched all the way across that wide walkway between the registers and the rest of the store, and had now started to bend at a 90-degree angle running adjacent to Women’s Fashion.
ADD Lady appeared to be buying nothing but baby stuff, all of it pink. Which means it was for a shower. Which means that, in addition to ringing up and paying, she had to note on her copy of a registry which items she was buying. Except that she was also buying stuff that wasn’t on the registry, so for some reason the process was more convoluted. Honestly, I’m not sure how the whole registry-scanning thing works, but it seemed to take a very long time.
ADD Baby Shower Lady also wanted one item, one of those little baby bath tubs they didn’t have back when my mom was dealing with this, in its own large bag. She also wanted her extra-large gift bag in its own shopping bag. Look, I’m not trying to get in anyone’s business, but I really don’t understand this. Bags are for helping you easily carry lots of little items. It seems kind of wasteful to demand a bag for one item that was perfectly carry-able by itself. Maybe her car trunk is really dirty from hauling used kitty litter to the dump or something. (See, THAT is what you put in a bag.)
As she finished her paying and bag gathering, I went ahead and put my whole eight items on the counter. I pulled out my wallet, and even got out my check card. I again looked behind me with a (hopefully) friendly smile, wanting to communicate to the roughly dozen or so people in line that I meant business; I wasn’t going to be the one to hold this thing up any longer; I was considerate.
It was at this point that I noticed that the guys behind me were buying ice cream. (And also a bulletin board. This is why Wal-Mart is awesome.)
It was one of those moments where you *know* what the polite thing to do is, like when someone’s buying you dinner and you offer to leave the tip. I mean, isn’t that a cardinal rule of manners, that when someone behind you has ice cream, you offer to let them go ahead of you? But all my stuff is already on the counter, and I’ve got my card out, and the ice cream still has a little frost on the lid… so I just went on ahead.
My check-out went very smoothly. I even went ahead and did that thing where you can swipe your card before the cashier is finished ringing you up, which I think is one of the greatest developments of the 21st century so far. Then, we got to the discount DVD portion of our order.
The cashier stopped her item scanning, and she started examining “Shawshank” front and back. I’m thinking that she’s having the same reaction I did, which is slight amazement that I’m getting one of the best movies of the last 20 years for only five bucks, and then she said, “’The Redemption’? What’s that about?”
So many things running through my mind… A) How and why did you just not notice the middle word in the title, especially since it’s such a big one? B) How have you not heard of this movie? It was nominated for actual Oscars. Many of them. C) How do I distill the complexity and meaning of this film to something short, sweet and also accurate, because there’s ice cream melting behind me? Which brings me to D) DO YOU MAGICALLY NOT SEE ALL THE PEOPLE IN LINE BEHIND ME??? You REALLY want to talk film right now?
So I just said, “It’s about a guy who goes to prison for something he didn’t do.” And the cashier said, “That sounds terrible.” I’m not sure if she means the wrongful imprisonment of Andy Dufresne or the concept of the story itself, and at that point I didn’t really care. I think ice cream guys would approve.
On my way out, guess who was in front of me, slowly wheeling her cart full of four whole bags (including two large ones with one item each)? Why, it’s ADD Baby Shower Anal Bag Lady! Yes, she’s somehow still in the store. Fascinating.
When I was in college, my friends and I used to go to Wal-Mart when we couldn’t afford movie tickets, just because it was so entertaining. Sometimes I miss it, and tonight reminded me why.
(Tip: for a good time, hit up the Wal-Mart in Bristol, Va., on race weekend. Simply does not get any better than that.)
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