Bad Movies I Love: “The Skulls”

I was dragged to see this 2000 action/suspense/drama thing twice in one weekend by different college friends, and this week I caught it on HBO for the first time in 11 years. At the time of its release, I knew that “The Skulls” was not the kind of movie I’d have chosen to pay money to see, because it was obviously crap… but on this week’s viewing I found myself associating it with the time and place where I saw it, which may happen with any movie we truly love. (That may be part of the reason we love them.) I was struck by how much I remembered, and even a few things I’d forgotten. And I was determined to watch it all the way through.

Why it’s bad: Don’t take my word for it. It’s got an 8 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

“Dawson’s Creek”-era Joshua Jackson is a townie who’s escaped a life of stealing rusted-out cars to excel at the local Ivy League college (which is NOT YALE, people – colors, mascot, fight song, skull-based secret society and giant Y athletic logo notwithstanding), and whose only shot at paying for law school so he can be the next Morris Dees is to gain entry into the Skulls, which pay for members’ grad school. The Skulls are into him, too, because he’s an athlete and… that’s apparently it.

Anyway, our vaguely Irish-named hero does get his bid, and really doesn’t have to do a whole lot to be confirmed. Which seemed odd to me. I never joined a sorority (because Greek orgs always seemed to me to be how unoriginal people know who to make friends with), but the people I know who did always seemed to have to jump through a lot of hoops. The Skulls are kind of just like “Congrats, you’re a Skull, here’s twenty grand and a new car.” I guess they’re just very confident in their research.

Also tapped are BMOC Paul Walker (fresh off his role in “Varsity Blues”), whose dad is not only Craig T. frakking Nelson, but the current chair of the society. Paul and Joshua are partnered; dad’s partner from his undergrad days is now a U.S. Senator played by William “Gil Grissom from ‘CSI’” Petersen, who’s interested in Joshua because they’re both from blue-collar backgrounds.

Meanwhile, Joshua’s dismayed to learn that his pre-Skulls best friend (who, on pledge night, essentially told Joshua that he thought the Skulls were somewhere between douchebags and terrorists) – this is a shocking plot development here – doesn’t want to be friends now that Joshua’s a Skull. Before the BFFs can work it out, Friend (Hill Harper, who really should’ve had more to do… and who also was like 35 years old) steals Paul Walker’s super secret Skulls book and key (which silly Paul left in his car – tsk, tsk), and now Friend is sneaking into the Skulls HQ with a camera and tape recorder. Paul finds him and is angry (judging by his dialogue, not any actual facial expression), and the next thing you know, Friend is hanging in his room.

No, really. From a noose.

Joshua pretty much immediately figures out that Paul killed Friend, which is an interesting filmmaking decision because we’re only like 26 minutes into the movie at this point. So, the next hour and half or so are pretty much this: will Joshua say, screw it, I’m set for life, or will he try to bring his friend’s killer to justice? Gosh, movie goer, what do you think?

Oh, yeah. Also, there’s a girl.

Why I love it:

Because I guarantee that I could call up my college roommate right now and say, “Dad! I just killed this guy in the ritual room!” and we would both absolutely fall out.

It’s campy, and would probably be a better movie if it were even more campy. I’m trying to figure out what about “The Skulls” doesn’t work, and I can’t quite figure it out.

It’s not the cast, which looks even better now a decade later that they’ve gone onto better things. Although, I have to say, having seen Leslie Bibb in “Talladega Nights,” I kind of feel like she’s wasted here as the love interest who meets all your pizza-buying and mental hospital-escaping needs. (Idea: let’s remake “The Skulls” with Bibb as her “Talladega Nights” character. Instantly better movie.) I kind of feel that Jackson was perfectly cast as a guy who’s street smart, but also intellectual enough to hack it at Not Yale; this is a guy you could believe knows how to pick a lock. Paul Walker, bless his heart… he’s not a bad actor, but I honestly wonder if he made a bet to see how few facial expressions he could use in a feature-length film.

I blame the writing (at least the script that made it to the screen). For a “suspense” film, there’s not much suspense. For an action film, not much action. For a drama, not much of that, either. Melodrama, though, definitely. Its climax features a duel, for crying out loud. (With pistols!) There’s just not enough there there. I found myself wishing that the writers had spent more time on the personal impact of joining a secret society, and then thrown in the whole murder thing later on when sh*t needed to get real.

As it is, the movie’s plot structure is out of whack. Fifteen minutes in, a viewer should not know who’s good, who’s bad, and who’s going to die a horrible death.