Dead Celebrity Crush: Zebulon Vance

Zebulon Baird Vance (1830-1894)
If I ever have a son, one of my top-five name choices will be Zeb, in honor of this guy: self-made man, governor, orator and all-around 19th Century hottie. Zeb Vance represented North Carolina in Congress just before the Civil War, and was governor during the war and again during Reconstruction. He managed somehow to simultaneously support the Union and states’ rights, only resigning his Congressional seat when N.C. voted to secede from the U.S. after Fort Sumter.

But that’s not why I crush hard on Zeb Vance. It’s hard to explain…I kind of have a soft spot for the ol’ mountain boy who made good in the big city. Born near Asheville, he precociously wrote the UNC president to ask for a scholarship to its law school – which he got. Under his leadership, N.C. was the only Confederate state that didn’t suspend habeas corpus during the war (something even President Lincoln couldn’t manage). At one point during the war, he gave a speech in Salem, just blocks from where I live now, that lasted – no sh*t – four and a half hours, and no one left. Sure, he may look a little jowly with his mullet and porn ‘stache, but make no mistake – this guy was the 1860s answer to Bill Clinton.

After the war, he duly served his time in prison, being pardoned in 1867 (though he was never charged with anything). He was re-elected to Congress, though not allowed to serve because of the whole Confederacy thing. A few years later, he would defend Tom Dula (aka “Tom Dooley) in his murder trial. Sure, he lost…but I don’t really care.

It also doesn’t bother me that Zeb’s military career wasn’t exactly distinguished. In his book Covered With Glory, author Ron Gragg recounts the history of the 26th North Carolina, which lost almost all of its strength by the end of the Battle of Gettysburg. Zeb was the unit’s first commander, and was most noted for his recruiting ability and sense of when to retreat. But give him credit: Zeb had the honor to admit that he was better suited for the legislature than the battlefield, and left the military to men with better skills in that area. He was a lover, not a fighter. And, porn ‘stache or no, he makes me swoon.