Okay, so I could not remember when I wrote this post, so I googled the name of the blog and the title of the post, and my post from 2009 was the first result. I'm not sure whether to be flattered or freaked out.
Even a little more freaky... I wrote that when I was 29 (and, oddly enough, in a relationship), and now I'm 31 (for two more days, anyway), which means I officially fit the "29/31" Garfunkel and Oates paradigm. And just in time for my birthday the internet thoughtfully provided competing lists of reasons why I'm not married yet, one of which is blatant click-bait and the other of which is actually a reasonable look at a set of circumstances that I, as a job/student loan-holding, home-owning single lady of nearly 32, can relate to.
(Oh, why spoil the fun? go read 'em both. One's all "You're a slut," and the other's very "Marriage? I'm supposed to deal with that right now? Dude, I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW." It's pretty easy to guess which one made me say "Yep" out loud.)
But, things do bear reflecting upon. My birthdays don't stress me out, and maybe that's weird. If I were a character in a romantic comedy I'd be flipping out because I'm about to be OMG 32 (!!!) and I'm not yet married with child(ren), but for me this week is more "I'm alive, gainfully employed and still awesome! Yay!" I don't understand people who get depressed by their birthdays. It beats the alternative.
No, my life's not perfect. Whose is? There's having an idea of the person you want to be and making concrete plans to reach that goal, and there's kicking yourself because you're not that classmate or that co-worker or that perfect stranger who - guess what - has problems, too. I suppose the important thing is to keep moving.
When I make lists of ways I'd like to improve my life, it's always things like "Save more money," or "Get more exercise," or "Be nicer to the people below me on the org chart," or "Mom was right about it being easier to clean a little every day." It's not "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BABY???"
Kids are awesome. Husbands, too. I have friends with both, and they all seem quite happy. I don't know if I might want either for myself in the great Someday, but I'm sure convinced that I don't want either one right now.There's just too much work that I need to do on myself first.
So, when I look back on my "price of admission" criteria, it's true that I wonder if I'm not passing up the perfect non-bigoted, intellectually curious guy (who might also like car shows) because the timing just isn't right for me. It's a worry, sure. But then I realize that there's one thing that 29-year-old me left off that wish list:
I need a fighter. I'm kind of a punch-thrower (usually figuratively) when it comes to the people I care about, and I've realized that I need someone who's the same way. I look at the way you act when you're trying to date me casually and I think of how you're going to act when we've been married a decade - and that means that I want to see you fight for me. Fight with me sometimes, sure, but mainly I want to know that you're on my side. The guy who's going to nail me down before God and the State of North Carolina for all time has a pretty secure sense of himself, and he doesn't scare easily. He takes chances, and he risks looking like a fool. He gives hugs. When he wants to talk, he picks up the phone, dials my number and holds the phone up to his ear, for frak's sake. (Seriously, when did this all-text, all the time BS start???)
But the main difference between me now and me a few years ago is this: I'm okay with being alone... at least, as opposed to being with someone who doesn't appreciate me for who I am. That's not an easy thing to say or to think about, so I'm not going to get all rah-rah girl power on you. This isn't a man/woman thing. It's a human thing.
Most of us who've been around awhile know how awful it is to be in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't love or respect you. If you're pitying me because I'm single, then, in a sense, you're wishing that awfulness on me. You don't have to do that. I promise, I'm cool. Yeah, we all want to be with someone. But that doesn't mean I want to be with just anyone.
I'm working on my birthday, because of this demanding job that I happen to love. I'll be with my family on our birthdays/Father's Day, because of this incredible family I'm so fortunate to have. I'm good. And, if the right Johnny Cash-appreciating, liberal, laid-back guy who's cool with me occasionally screaming at NASCAR drivers happens to fit in at this point in my life... well, that's good, too, I guess.
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