My Price of Admission

I’m probably not the only person disturbed by George Soldini, the man who shot up a gym near Pittsburgh, killing three women and then himself. What’s more disturbing is the fact that this man wasn’t some delusional psycho, but a gainfully employed, fairly attractive guy who directed his rage at the young women whom he felt disrespected him, as detailed in his online diary.

That part’s disturbing for many reasons, not the least of which is that there are plenty of other men in this country who blame women for their own personal problems. Check out the “True Forced Loneliness” folks when you have a chance. It’s not a stretch to imagine one of these guys popping off a couple of rounds at whatever women are available.

There’s a common denominator among them: an attitude that women are objects to which they’re entitled. That’s why the men in those TFL YouTube videos get so angry when they talk about a female sexuality that doesn’t depend on them. That’s why they don’t bother to self-reflect upon what they could do differently to attract other people. Well, I'm not an object. And I've done plenty of self-reflection concerning the type of person I want to attract, and what I need to do to make myself appealing to that person. (Hint: it involves actually growing as a person.)

A few years ago, a guy friend told me I needed to create a hard and fast list of requirements for an acceptable partner. He insisted that I be as specific as height, eye color and education level, but I kind of felt like that was a bit shallow. What, I’m gonna ditch the perfect Johnny Cash-loving progressive craftsman because he’s not 6-foot-four? It felt very superficial, like I was treating potential romantic partners like cogs in a machine, and I didn’t like it. Having an idea of what you want in a relationship is a great thing. But summarily ruling out all people who don’t meet select criteria is just weird.

Another guy friend (at least virtually) has much more realistic advice: come up with no more than a handful of “deal-breakers,” and the rest of it is just the price of admission you pay for being in a supportive relationship with another human being. You can NOT treat other people as though they exist only to please you.

I have deal-breakers: someone who’s bigoted, overly cynical, overly passive, abusive, dishonest or any combination of the above will get an emphatic ‘bye. I have things I want to see: a person who cares about something (your cat, your church, your hobby restoring old cars, whatever), who cares that I care about things, and who treats people well. And that’s pretty much it. Everything else is negotiated within the relationship.

I feel sorry for men like Soldini and the TFL crowd, but I don’t have much sympathy for them. It’s too easy nowadays to seek out people and interests, whether online or by relocating. That’s what I have done, and still do – I moved from my hometown to a larger city to broaden my social and professional prospects, and I do quite a bit of on-line networking.

But I also force myself out of my house – even when I don’t always feel like it – to get involved with issues that are important to me. The bottom line is this: You’re responsible for your own happiness. If you’re miserable, start by looking in the mirror.